10 ways to
help someone who has been sexually assaulted
- Listen to her
Ask her what she needs from you and respond accordingly. Let her
know that you care and that you want to listen. She may just want you
to listen, or she may not want to talk about it. She may want a hug,
or she may not want to be touched. Don't assume anything. Always ask
her. Remember that you are not her counselor. There are trained professionals
who have experience working with sexual assault victims/survivors. Do
not promise to be there for her anytime unless you mean to go through
with it. She needs honesty from you. If supporting her becomes difficult
for you, see # 6 below.
- Believe her
Many people never
tell anyone about sexual assault because they are afraid that they will
not be believed. It took a lot of courage for her to share this with
you. Let her know that you believe her. Women do not lie about sexual
assault.
- Let her know she is not
to blame
Asking her questions like "why did you get into the car with him?" or
telling her that she should not have had so much to drink, are not helpful
because they will further cause her to blame herself for what happened.
Instead, statements like "you needed a ride, you were not asking to
be assaulted," are non-blaming and show that you support her.
- Respect her right to
privacy
Let her decide whom she wants to tell. Do not repeat her story to
anyone unless she asks you to. She needs to be in control of who knows
about what happened to her.
- Help her identify who
in her immediate circle might also support her
Help her figure
out whom, if anyone, among her friends and family she would feel comfortable
telling this to.
- Put your own feelings
aside
Support her in whatever she decides. She is the best judge of what
is best for her. For example, you might think she should report it to
the police, but she might know that the process would be too difficult
and humiliating for her. Let her know that you will support her in whatever
she thinks is best. In fact, avoid "should" statements altogether. If
hearing about her experience upsets, angers or confuses you, you can
call the crisis line to talk about your feelings, or find someone else
to talk to - without betraying her trust (breaking confidentiality).
Helping someone who has been sexually assaulted can be quite overwhelming,
so remember to find supports for yourself.
- Encourage her to talk
about it with someone she trusts
Let her know that many women feel better after they talk to someone
who has experience working with survivors of sexual assault and who
would not judge.
- Let her know that she
can call the rape crisis centre
For information on options & choices she can call the 24-hour crisis
line at 562-2333 and speak to a trained counselor. You can also tell
her that all services at the Ottawa Rape Crisis Centre are free and
confidential. She can come in once or twice to meet with a counselor,
she can ask us to send her some written information or she can have
regular ongoing counseling, depending on what she needs and wants. At
the Ottawa Rape Crisis Centre, we never tell women what to do; we simply
give information and support them in what they want to do.
- Give information not
advice
Let her know what
her options are, not what you would do if you were in her situation.
Let her know that you trust her ability to know what to do.
- Encourage her to get
medical attention
She may have injuries that she is unaware of. She may want to press
charges immediately or some time in the future, so it is very important
to gather evidence (more evidence can be collected if she hasn't yet
showered, urinated or cleaned herself and her clothes). There is also
the risk of pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. If she is unsure
of where to go, or would like someone to accompany her, she can call
the Ottawa Rape Crisis Centre and we can give her information and support
her through the process.
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